Christmas is still hard. She's here with me -- her tree stands in the corner of my living room, her manger sits beneath that (ugly) tree, her decorations are scattered around. Putting them out each year is hard; putting them away each year is crushing. For 35 years of my life, hers was the first voice I heard on Christmas morning. She called extra early even after Hannah was born -- until Hannah was born, we spent Christmas Eve there and would wake to her humming and singing the (wrong) words to Steve and Edie on the old victrola. So while the kids and Joe say "Merry Christmas" and "I love you," there's one phone call I'd love to still be getting. I'm afraid I do take it out on the first caller of the day however; I spaz and cry and want her back. Does this ever get easier?
I didn't make it to the cemetery today. I would have liked to, but life goes on, even once a life has stopped. She was in my dreams liberally last night and she was the first thing on my mind this morning. Then life grabbed my by the wrist, yanked me from bed, and I started putting one foot in front of the other til the day was once again rolling by.
I interviewed for a job today with a company called "Home Instead Senior Care." I will probably start with them next week as an in-home aide to seniors; there's a possibility that they will hire me into the office as an admin or care coordinator some time down the road.
So, Mom, bluff Uncle Bus and Tom one more time in cards for me. Not one LAST time. I know you are up there all together, laughing at my foibles, knowing I am your daughter when I retrieve the car keys from the freezer or wash my hair with SoftScrub.
A woman could do a lot worse than to measure up to you.
2 comments:
We miss her to! My mom just had a really weird dream about grandma last night! She must be checking in with all of us!
that made me cry.. and you know I don't cry. I think I'll call my mom today. Love ya!devaut
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